She looked at him. When her eyes lay on him, she sees a contrast between heaven and hell, two places so different from each, but yet underlying connected with each other. She watched the way his lips curled whenever he made plausible arguments about the world they live in. She loved the way his tongue touched the roof of her mouth when their lips collide. She longed for his fingers to trace her inner thigh, the way his hands kept her captive from the demons in the world, and the way his feet rubbed the sheets on the bed. 

            He loved the way she counted syllables of words . The way she always seemed embarrassed when she stared at someone for too long. He loved when she says “oops” right before she undresses, she had this fear of her body not ever being good enough for him; her insecurities haunted her. The way she managed to drink their moments together, swallow them, and mention them when their times of trouble He loved that she speaks when she feels like, the way she thinks before she speaks, and the way her words are bricks in water. They sink in. 

-Amanda Lee

In the prospect of brooding secretly, she sat in a foreign cafe.

Somewhere near her house due to lack of transportation and to think while walking.

She choose a seat near the window, mainly to watch pediatricians, and to daze off.

There was no one she knew in the cafe, a delicate place where few lurked, and stayed.

She thought of her life, about how complicated it is in general,and how she rarely prayed.

The off the balance of fear and hope in her life, and the uncontrollable urge to break free.

She wondered why happiness was evanescent, why love didn’t last, and why her emotions at times were unbearable.

The server brought her coffee, studied her comely features, and vanished.

She wondered why did life take people on the path of unknown, about the universality of the truth and why there wasnt an elixir for trust.

Why god gives people’s test, why some challenges are not worth the knowledge for later on in life, and as to why can’t pain can be self inflicted.

Above all, she wondered why people come in and out of her life, why people do wrong more often then good, and why she’s not like others.

I’m hoping to find a common ground between my insecurities and myself. Wishing for a equilibrium that I’m satisfied with. I bargain with god too much. Simply, relying on him is not good enough for me. Even when I pray, I still seem to worry, instead of letting god worry for me. The distrust I have with religion, people, and places frightens me. To be at peace once in a while would be splendid. To be able to fully trust someone is hard to imagine because I wouldn’t even know where to start. But, I know I have to open up somehow, break bridges, and let life take control.

(Source: mandylee740)

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet

No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken

No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood

But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for

No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious

No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughing at God in hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very poor

No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God

Then, out of nowhere, she a tinge of sadness wash over her. She was in love with someone that was dead, she mastered the act of not caring, and she defied her emotions. Furthermore, there was no certainty in her life, a comely girl with lack of direction. Excluding, her crush, there was no one worth stepping over boundaries for. He was the focal point of her life, god taken him away from her, and left her with nothing. She did have people in her life though, people who desperately loved her, and wanted her to change her. At times she is happy, rarely, and it vanishes fast. She’s looking for closure, she just doesn’t know it yet, and she can’t break free.

-Amanda Lee 

Every thing is going to fall into place on it’s own. Unconsciously, I tell myself this, whenever I procrastinate too much. I wait until something drastic happens until I do what I need to do. Instead of providing for myself, building myself up, I decide that I’m going to wait until god does it for me. It’s disturbing, at times, and most times I can’t control it. 

I ended up finishing, “Nine Stories” by J.D. Salinger, and I enjoyed it. It took longer than expected, due to schoolwork, and lack of effort to read. His writing style is excellent, his craft is admirable, and great to read. Particularly, I loved an exceptional amount of stories in this book, most inspired me to write, and some will always be remembered.

• A perfect day for bananafish
• The laughing man
• For Esme- with Love and Squalor
• De Daumier-Smith’s Blue Period
• Teddy

I found quotes that I also wanted to share as well.

• ” The trouble is”, Teddy said, “Most people want to see things the way they are, they don’t even want to stop getting born and dying all the time, they just want new bodies all the time, instead of stopping and staying with god, where it’s nice”. He reflected. Found in “Teddy”.

“The most singular difference between happiness and joy is that happiness is a solid and joy a liquid”. Found in ” De Daumier-Smith’s Blue Period”.

At first I wanted to be Jessica Darling, from the “Jessica Darling Series”,but I realized how my life would possibly play out. I would be a girl trying to find herself, a girl who is stuck in a world that is set to go against her, but has barely anything to complain about. She’s brilliant, quirky, and recklessly sarcastic, but I can’t imagine living a life like hers. It took a while for her to gain self confidence, to find her purpose in life, and mostly importantly accept love. I’m not saying that this isn’t going to occur in my life, but if I had choose how my life is going to be, it wouldn’t be like that. I would want to be someone similar to Lisbeth Salander. I would want her self confidence, her reassurance of how her life would be, and her determination. I wanted to be Lee in “Prep” when I was younger, but I realized now, that I was in a stage similar to hers at the time. Both awkward, emotionally confused, and mostly importantly we both had lack of self confidence. 

Thankfully, god has not given me to the choice to choose to be someone,because I doubt I would be able to choose properly.