There’s this conflicting spirit haunts my body randomly. Confidently, it strides in like a ghost, who forgot it was trespasser. The spirit reminds of my fear of being forgotten. To walk into a room, say hello to someone, and realize that person won’t even recognize you tomorrow. It’s that feeling of never being good enough, mundane and overly shy. When I die I wonder who would remember me? What would they remember me by? Would they even realize that I’ve even been gone, missing in their lives. Or would I be merely a speck in someone’s expanding perspective?  

In the prospect of brooding secretly, she sat in a foreign cafe.

Somewhere near her house due to lack of transportation and to think while walking.

She choose a seat near the window, mainly to watch pediatricians, and to daze off.

There was no one she knew in the cafe, a delicate place where few lurked, and stayed.

She thought of her life, about how complicated it is in general,and how she rarely prayed.

The off the balance of fear and hope in her life, and the uncontrollable urge to break free.

She wondered why happiness was evanescent, why love didn’t last, and why her emotions at times were unbearable.

The server brought her coffee, studied her comely features, and vanished.

She wondered why did life take people on the path of unknown, about the universality of the truth and why there wasnt an elixir for trust.

Why god gives people’s test, why some challenges are not worth the knowledge for later on in life, and as to why can’t pain can be self inflicted.

Above all, she wondered why people come in and out of her life, why people do wrong more often then good, and why she’s not like others.

I’m hoping to find a common ground between my insecurities and myself. Wishing for a equilibrium that I’m satisfied with. I bargain with god too much. Simply, relying on him is not good enough for me. Even when I pray, I still seem to worry, instead of letting god worry for me. The distrust I have with religion, people, and places frightens me. To be at peace once in a while would be splendid. To be able to fully trust someone is hard to imagine because I wouldn’t even know where to start. But, I know I have to open up somehow, break bridges, and let life take control.

(Source: mandylee740)

“The most lively thought is still dimmer than the dullest sensation.”

I’ve read this in philosophy, analyzed it fully for a paper, and finally agreed with myself that I agree with this statement. Thoughts that we have in our mind, as creative and imaginative as they seem, are simply not the same as experiences we have. Thoughts have a way of manipulating situations, creating similar experience, and change our views on what the world really is. In a way, thoughts put us in this fake world, and close us from the real world. People rely on stuff they hear and think, rather than experiencing life, and what life has to offer. For example people make judgments of other people without talking to them, feeling them out and sharing common ground with them. It just goes to show you how much we allow our thoughts to control our emotions. Our thoughts could be our worst enemies. 

Then, out of nowhere, she a tinge of sadness wash over her. She was in love with someone that was dead, she mastered the act of not caring, and she defied her emotions. Furthermore, there was no certainty in her life, a comely girl with lack of direction. Excluding, her crush, there was no one worth stepping over boundaries for. He was the focal point of her life, god taken him away from her, and left her with nothing. She did have people in her life though, people who desperately loved her, and wanted her to change her. At times she is happy, rarely, and it vanishes fast. She’s looking for closure, she just doesn’t know it yet, and she can’t break free.

-Amanda Lee